STITCHED BY A CRAZED MAN1Daring Derek, a former mascot for Big Nuts Nut Production Co. and brilliant scientist who had every crime in the book thrown at him after trying to stitch his fellow workers together because “why not?” in the deepest pit of Panty’s Landing, The Bowels2Panty’s Landing’s sewer system/jail. This is were the worst of the worst are sent. Plenty of mutated goldfish lingering around from the radioactive water…, Kern and Bon knew struggle since they were tossed into the incinerator and left to burn. After their escape, they fled to the surface, where robbing became their favorite past-time, and anyone with a dollar was their enemy—Bon found the scores, Kern did the dirty work. Back then they only had each other, but they always dreamed of changing that.

The Panty Mafia.

This ultimate goal was inspired by that crazed creator of theirs—he was a brilliant scientist who, using an altered pair of panties he’d fashioned, breathed life into hundreds of stuffed animals, dreaming of one day capturing Panty’s Landing(known at this time as [REDACTED]3Redacted. A mystical being who few have even heard of. Some say they linger these pages, covering up important details, ever aware of how much it sucks to get stuff spoiled) for himself with this subservient army. Kern, Bon, and [REDACTED] ruined this plan by defeating him and, using his own panties, they turned him into a stuffed shark. Since they were unskilled in using them, this ruined the panties, but at the time they didn’t care—they’d gained an army.

After returning to the surface, they conquered Panty’s Landing, ruthlessly killing the other gangs who stood in their way. The people didn’t particularly care—nobody ever “controls” the city, they just hold it until someone stronger comes along. Bon and Kern, well aware of this, returned to their original dream. No longer was being the stuffed mafia4Plus, there was already a Stuffed Mafia in Panty’s Landing–a buffet! Who would’ve guessed good enough. They wanted to be The Panty Mafia, capitalized and shit.

And, eventually, after many butt-clenching, butt-entering, and butt-feeling tests, they achieved that goal, fashioning a pair of panties far more advanced than their creator and pissing on his grave after a drunken night of partying to let him know it5Parties are a mandatory part of Panty Mafia life. Bon has a saying: Don’t drink, end up in the clink, where you’ll be swimming with the shark! Who I stuffed! Not, like, sexually. Well, okay, I was drunk that night.

Thus The Panty Mafia was born, Panty Law6No butt not stuffed shall be clad in a panty.” This law banned panties, making them property of the Panty Mafia–few people obeyed it, though went into effect, and for once, the people of Panty’s Landing began to truly feel “controlled.”